Biker Triple Feature: Poker Run, Born to Ride, The Violent Kind

It had been two weeks; I hadn’t watched anything in two weeks. I don’t watch TV, and just about everything I watch movie wise is reviewed for one of my websites. This requires my undivided attention, as well as a cold drink and a pen and pad for notes. It also requires at least an hour and a half of free time. I get this way sometimes, it hard to get into anything I watch regardless if it’s good or not. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. When this happens I usually read, fiction mostly and that usually gets reviewed on LuridLit.com.

So I was coming off a dry spell, and was in the mood to really dig down into the couch in front of my TV and really watch something. I was in the mood for a good Biker movie. At first I thought about some of my perianal favorites like Chrome and Hot Leather, The Miniskirt Mob, or Hells Bells. I went to the book case full of DVDs and had a look.

I was a little surprised that I not only found three newer Biker flicks, but all three were ones that I had yet to watch. I chose the order randomly and watched them all in one night with just a 15 minute smoke/bathroom break in between each one. So were they any good? Keep reading to find out.

Poker Run (2009)
Director: Julian Higgins
Stars: Robert Thorne, Jasmine Waltz and Bertie Higgins

Poker Run starts out with scenes of murder and mayhem, in it we are introduced to two clearly crazy individuals, Ray and Billy. It seems that Ray and Billy sell stolen bikes for cash, they attempt to do just that but are turned down by the re-seller who complains that the last two bikes he bought from them were hot. This leaves Billy and Ray not all that happy and with two stolen bikes to unload as well.

Enter Robert and Allan two lawyers in the middle of a midlife crisis looking to become biker weekend warriors. They’re at a biker bar discussing whether or not there wives will let them but motorcycles when crazy man Ray overhears them. Ray invites the two to his table where Billy is sitting as well. They offer to sell the two men the stolen bikes for a good price. I’m assuming it’s against their better judgment considering they don’t ask for proof of ownership and they are lawyers after all but the deal is made.

A short time later Robert and Allan are having dinner with their wives at one of their houses. They’re playing a card game and work up to asking their wives if they would like to ride with them on a biker tour called a Poker Run.  After a few verbal jabs between the two wives it’s decided they will do it.

At the first stop of the Poker Run Robert and Allan run into Ray and Billy, they say their hellos and decided to go into the bar for a drink. Robert has a little too much to drink and not only gets into a fight but gets kicked off the Poker Run as well. Once again it seems that their common since isn’t intact as they decide to ride with Ray and Billy down close to the Mexico border.

This of course is a stupid mistake that not only gets their wives kidnapped but sends both men on a scavenger hunt of death.

I chose Poker Run as my first flick of the night; it was a good choice as it was the one film that stuck closest to the Biker cycle of films. Like the biker films of the 70’s this one is filled with depravity, gore, and even some nudity. This is an obvious homage to the Biker movies of the sleazy 70’s, and though it’s far from perfect it’s still a decent movie.

Born to Ride (2011)
Director: James Fargo
Stars: Casper Van Dien, Patrick Muldoon and William Forsythe

After finishing up my first satisfying film of the night, I thought it was time to inject some cheese into the evening, that’s why I chose this Casper Van Dien vehicle. I bought this used on amazon recently because it was $5 and one reviewer said it was “funny for all the wrong reasons.” Now that sounds like my kind of movie!

Reading the back copy on the DVD cover made this out like it was an action film, when I sat down to watch it I was surprised to find it was also a sophomoric slapstick comedy. To tell the truth it I don’t think the director actually knew what he wanted it to be.

The story itself starts out serious enough when two young clean cut bikers Dien and Muldoon decide to go on a bike tour. On the way they intervene in an old man getting beat to death. The injured old man gives Dien some money to take to his daughter. They set out to do just that but get mixed up along the way with gangsters, as well as a subplot about Dien’s dead father. It’s a mess.

The great William Forsythe pretty much just shows up for the paycheck, Patrick Muldoon is his normal retarded self, and Dien, well he delivers his typical subpar performance.

Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed this film, it wasn’t “so bad, it’s good” in fact it’s so bad it sucks. I did laugh though, not at the parts that were supposed to make you laugh and not at the unintentionally hilarious acting on Muldoon’s part but over the absurdity that a film this inept was green lighted in the first place!

Seriously a film like this should give kids everywhere that shoot backyard epics for youtube hope that one day they too might have something listed to rent on Netflix, who knows it might even star Casper Van Dien and Patrick Muldoon.

The Violent Kind (2010)
Directors: Mitchell Altieri, Phil Flores
Stars: Cory Knauf, Taylor Cole and Bret Roberts

I wanted my final selection for the night to be something different. I had watched the exploitation angle with Poker Run, pissed myself laughing at Born to Ride and now wanted something I hadn’t seen before, I got just that with “The Violent Kind.” One reviewer said it was Easy Rider meets the Exorcist, yes a biker horror film. I’m down with genre mash-ups and a biker horror flick seemed like a cool idea, so I gave it a spin.

I guess it should be stated that although this is a “biker” film there is no actual footage of people riding motorcycles! Don’t let this distract you though, there’s a cool movie here complete with biker attitude. The film starts out with an introduction of three young men. They’re all junior members of a cycle gang getting ready to go out to a secluded farm house in wilderness of Northern California.

One of the young men named Cody has reservations about going as his ex-girlfriend, Michelle and her new boyfriend will be there. In an odd move in direction this group of bikers all jump into an old truck and make their way to the farm house.

Sure enough Cody’s Ex is there as well as her little sister who isn’t so little anymore. The audience is given about 30 minutes of back story concerning Cory, Michelle, and Michelle’s little sister Megan. At this point it’s getting late and most the crew goes home including Michelle. The three guys all get too wasted to go home and decide to spend the night at the farm house.

This is where the movie takes a left turn into Weirdsville. Michelle shows back up without her boyfriend, it becomes apparent fast she’s possessed by devil, alien, or something else it isn’t explained. Things get weirder when a group of un-dead rockabillies show up to take claim of Michelle.

The acting in general is very good, the special effects (practical and CG) are very good as well for a movie of this size. As an added bonus Tiffany Shepis gets totally nude, but it’s a rare occasion when she doesn’t.

All though I really liked this movie and it made a great bookend to my biker triple feature it wasn’t exactly the monsters vs. biker’s movie I was looking forward to. All is not lost though as there is always “Dear God No!” to look forward to.